I was deported by a friendly nation, jailed by an unfriendly one, and threatened with jail by one that's never been sure. What does a TV critic do? He sits by his fireside and criticises Kate Adie, that's what.The point is (you were wondering when I would get round to it) they are not even critics in the real sense.They don't watch telly like you and I do. Nearly 40 years of knowing and reading TV crits and that is all I can remember.As I say, they are not real reporters. I was one, once (a real reporter I mean, not, heaven forfend, a TV crit), for a period during which I was spat upon, stoned, shot at, shelled, bitten by a snake and a poisonous spider and evacuated from a burning aeroplane. Well, that might have been the case at Ade's school, but down my way, where we thought (hoped) that The Lays Of Ancient Rome was the latest Harold Robbins, what fascinated us was Whispering Smith's revelation that the Romans used washable squares of worsted for toilet paper, and that, after marching to Tyneside from the Mediterranean (and just ponder on that) they wrote home that they were bloody freezing.But er.. that's it. He was travelling around on a motorbike, for goodness' sake! What's he supposed to wear - polyester trousers with a crotch bulge?He also said that real Roman history and archeology were about great cities, not about ordinary people. While Nancy Banks Smith, on the advent of colour television, advised her readers to wear sunglasses to avoid getting black eyes from the panchromatic glare.

I am not making this up.Then there was Ken Irwin, who reviewed the first performances of Coronation Street and predicted that it would never catch on.And recently A A Gill (it's a sad day when you're ashamed to admit to having a name like Adrian) criticised an Open University Romans in Britain presenter for wearing leathers. These, I quickly discovered, were not as other men, not even the women. Mainly, they were journalists who weren't up to doing a proper job.There was one who became so sozzled at previews that she would come back to the office to sleep it off and threatened that, should she ever be sufficiently sober to pen an autobiography, its title would come from the first words she heard every morning: "Shall We Just Hoover Round Her?"Clive James memorably (well, I remember it) described J R Ewing's hat band as consisting of crushed budgies. "But, God knows, you'll never be a diplomatic one." I thought of writing to him when I achieved the lofty height of foreign editor, but that was at the Mirror where we were not so much diplomatic as urging people to come off it, and when the Editor of the Sunday Mirror once donned his diplomatic hat, an unfortunate misprint meant that his open letter to a South American ambassador began, "We are appealing to you, toady..."But to the point Along the way I stumbled over a few television critics. In more than 35 years hanging around newspapers I had my fill of specialist writers I'd even had a teenage ambition to become one. "What sort of a journalist do you intend to be, Barker?" Whispering Smith, the history master, had asked. "I rather thought I'd be a political correspondent," I replied "That you may be," he said.

India will become part of the European Union The nuclear family will be a mother and two children,with fathers an optional extra People will routinely have microchips inserted into their brains to store data and communicate directly with computersThe retiring age will be raised to 70The Euro will be a big successWomen will dominate middle managementThe USA will decline economically and lose world political leadershipGuerilla groups will make use of networks to spread `electronic terrorism'Space exploration will put human colonies on the moon and other planets by 2050Safe mind-altering drugs will be used legally for work and pleasureHave you got your own views about the future? Contribute to the debate by e-mail to alum open.ac.uk. The venues are:9 April Harrogate;16 April Nottingham;23 April Exeter;23 April Los Angeles;30 April Edinburgh;7 May Birmingham;7 May Burnley;14 May Cardiff;15 May Dublin;21 May Eastbourne;4 June Singapore;11 June Carrickfergus;11 June Newcastle upon Tyne;19 June Central London;29 June Milton Keynes;9 July Crystal Palace;11 Sept Brussels.. But please book your tickets in advance.More information by phone on 01908 655751 or by post from the address on this page. That evening the Vice-Chancellor will be hosting the OU's first event for graduates in the US, in Los Angeles.Depending on the location, dinner will be followed either by a guest speaker or a disco (or, possibly, by both).Guests and former graduates are of course welcome, and geography is no restriction - if you will happen to be in LA, or Singapore, or Brussels on the appropriate day, you will be welcome. Graduates will be invited to attend eve-of-graduation dinners associated with this year's awards ceremonies - most of them located handily to the place of graduation. Where appropriate the dinners are directly linked with Choice Hotels who already offer special accommodation rates for OU graduands attending the following day's ceremonies.Organised by The OU LINK, in partnership with the Association of OU Graduates (AOUG), the OUBS MBA Alumni Association, and the Students Association (OUSA), the dinners will cost about pounds 20 per head and will celebrate 25 years of graduations, 30 years of the OU and its partnership with the BBC, and 250,000 awards.The actual date of the University's receiving its Charter is 23 April, which is coincidentally Shakespeare's birthday and St George's Day.